Take this job and restaff it!

A scorcher here in Hollywood as the mercury climbs and the sun has just reached the top of the sky and starts the daily fall into the ocean. The digits read 102 degrees of farenheit according to weather.com for this zip code and my abandonment of an afternoon nap after a sleepless night and rising at the crack of dawn to watch the British Open is my proof of that. I really hate that they (broadcasters and tournament officials) constantly refer to it as the "open championship" which I left lower-cased at my own discretion. This thing has been called the British Open for a century or so and all of a sudden, a few years ago, they started this "open" bullshit, like this is the only "real" open championship. Seems kinda stuffy and insecure to me to cop such a predictable attitude when so many children are starving somewhere and the only items available are perishable but I'd like to know what isn't, really. They're even having record high temperatures in Liverpool which makes it seem like the whole world is roasting in its own juices but then again it's always hot in Saudi Arabia where colorful robes are often seen stuck in the doors of Mercedes Benzeses and the children laugh and have their left little toe cut off for their insolence.
I guess the boot is getting to me again but it's too hot today to fight it and I yield to the dark side of course of force and try to stop the spinning... I pull out just in time. Sorry for the soft core pretensions but these are desperate times and I haven't figured out just which measures I'll go with but be assured that the journey will be its own reward, whether you collect or whether you pay. Just think, if'n I weren't holed up with a bum leg then I'd have to be out in this crap tryin' to hustle a livin'. I should just see the day for what it is: a blessing. Clearly.